Dear Daughters,

You will be happy to know I’ve been working on completing my advance care planning documents such as a Living Will, Power of Medical Attorney, DNR, etc., etc. My goal is to have all this type of preparation done well before I kick the bucket, so you don’t have to worry about making decisions on my behalf. You know me, I like to direct my own medical care.

As I was reviewing this empowering, but slightly depressing paperwork, it occurred to me that I should include an addendum of sorts. I’ve titled it, “The Care and Feeding of Momma.” Again, the purpose is for you to know what to do and what not to do during my final days. My goal is to make them as pleasurable as possible.

The Care and Feeding of Momma

Written while I’m still vibrant, cognitive, smart-assy…me.

Keep My Favorite Foods Coming

Keep my popcorn and ice cream bowls filled! I like Pop Secret Homestyle Butter from the grocery store. I love Skinny Pop Original and Cretors Chicago Style Caramel/Cheese Popcorn from Costco. Ben and Jerry’s Everything But The Kitchen Sink is my number one ice cream at the moment. A worthy addition to the line-up would be Dreyer’s Cookie and Cream with added Oreos for extra chunky bites of goodness. To be honest, I won’t balk at any ice cream containing pretzels/caramel/choc/pb. Just make sure to never EVER hand me a pudding cup. They are vile. I’m warning you now, if you serve me a vile pudding cup, I will launch it at the wall as I quite like the idea of a splat sound upon impact and clumps of pudding goo running down the wall that someone else has to clean up. Ahahahaha!

Brush My Golden (Silver? White?) Locks 

Gently brush my clean hair. I say clean because please, please wash and condition my hopefully still full head of hair and scalp at least 2 x a week. I despise greasy, rancid smelling locks. Don’t take any shortcuts and by shortcuts I mean that nasty dry shampoo that leaves dandruff-like flakes behind. No, no, no. (I’m wagging my finger here, with my hand on my hip.) Start with 2-3 brush sessions a day. Each session should last 5-10 minutes. 

Demeanor, Yours Not Mine

For goodness sake, don’t be morbid in my presence. No frowny faces, or anguished eyes, or dramatic sobbing. A few elegant tears are acceptable. Save the breakdowns for later. Please know that I am not opposed to breakdowns as they are part of grieving and are healthy for you. (I had a few biggies after your Nana passed.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, emotional constipation is not good for you. You gotta get those emotions out. 

On the other side of the coin, don’t act all fake chipper, either. Toxic positivity…is there anything more annoying? Be prepared, I’m ordering a game buzzer from Amazon (it’s in my cart right now) so that if I detect the tiniest amount of fake cheer, I will hit that button! And probably roll my eyes excessively…if I can still do that. Just be real, please. Treat me like the beloved, witty, selfless, delightful Mom I’ve always been. 

Massage is a Must —Hands and Feet

Skin to skin. No gloves. No socks. When we reach an advanced age, we suffer from chronic aches and pains. You can certainly manage 10-15 minutes of massage on the regular. I did. Feet disgust me, and yet I mustered up my courage, got down on the ground, and cut my Mom’s toenails during the last few months of her life. Come to think of it, I also massaged her neck. Add that to the list too. While you are administering this tactile expression of love, I don’t want to hear any complaints. Ponder the tens of thousands of acts of kindness I’ve showered you with since you were a baby, and get those hands massaging. Lotion is a must. Warm it up in your hand first.

For Heaven’s Sake, Entertain Me

I know I will be utterly bored lying around. I’m certain that staring at whatever I will be able to see… dust motes, the curtains, the crack in the ceiling day after day will absolutely drive me cuckoo. You got skills in the performing arts. I paid for the cultivation of many of them. So entertain me. I want instrumental recitals, singing, a comedy routine, weird dancing, tricks with the dog, even mime would be acceptable… but only if you wear the face paint. Costumes would be lovely too. Mix it up. Variety is the spice of life.

Dramatic Reading Recitals

As you know, reading books is my most favorite thing in the world. So I’m imploring you now, please read to me if my eyes fails me. Spicy novels are my preference and, for goodness sake, use different dramatic voices for the characters. Remember I will be bored out of my gourd. Don’t worry about elevating my blood pressure, I won’t. If I go out fantasizing about a hot protagonist (or villain), well, that sounds like an awesome end to my party. Note: I don’t do audio books. My propensity for daydreaming means I lose my place in the story too often.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll update The Care and Feeding of Momma if my preferences change. Thank you in advance for making my last days pleasurable. If I can’t smile, say please and thank you, belly laugh, snort laugh, roll my eyes, or clap my hands, know that I love you with all my heart and I’m doing all those things inside my mind. 

All my love,

Momma

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This is an excerpt from my Woman’s Wisdom Book. I’ve had a wonderful time creating this heirloom gift for my daughters and grandkids. Would you like to create one too? Click here to learn about my upcoming Zoom course, Create Your Woman’s Wisdom Book Now! I’d love for you to join. First class is free!