The Black Friday Stampede

Dear Daughters,

You know how I hate crowds and waiting in line. I’ve never shopped on Black Friday.

I never will.

Black Friday should actually be called The Hunger Games. People kill each other, and the winner gets a $20 crock pot.

The Black Friday Fantasy
You read about it, heard about it, saw IT. A gift that would earn your husband’s undying adoration. Wink, wink. Maybe even a month’s worth of unsolicited toilet cleaning. (A woman can dream.)

92 diagonal inches of sleek, shiny, beautiful black curves. On sale for only $273.99, marked down from $1273.00. A savings of what feels like a bazillion percent. A man’s ultimate fantasy. An enormous…television. For only $273.99. It’s THE deal of the season at $273.99.

You’re almost positive you can find a way to haul it home. Wrap it…hide it. Oh, the glory of such a Black Friday score! A victory story to share year after year around the Christmas dinner table. All you have to do is be one of the first 15 people through the door of ___ electronic store.

No problemo. You lay out a couple layers of warm clothing, set your alarm, and the coffee pot. Mission to commence at 04:00.

The Ugly Truth
A measly and restless three hours of sleep later…Ready, set, go!
The store opens at 5:30 am, if you get there an hour before you should be one of the first, right? Ha! When you pull up, you see the entrance line wraps around the strip mall. Whoa, Momma! Social media says the overnighters queued up two days ago. The closest parking spot is a two mile walk from the store. Recreational vehicles and tents cram the parking lot and it appears property management ordered a fleet of porta-potties for the event.

The scene at the __ electronic store entrace horrifies you. Five thousand ragged, bargain starved, shoppers snarling in desperate agony outside the gated doors. They look and smell like zombies–out for blood and obnoxiously-sized TVs. No way are you’re going in. Mission abort! Mission abort!

Seasonal Exclamation of Dismay
What the Jingle Bells?

Reasons Why This is a Big Bowl of Reindeer Poo
Unless you camp out for three days prior to the opening, you’ll never score a ginormous television at a ridiculously low price. And even if you did abandon your family for Thanksgiving, and even if you were the first person through the door, then it would take skills you don’t have to achieve your objective–speed, strenth, advanced martial art abilities, and a willingness to inflict pain.

No, chances are excellent you’ll go down in a surge of unwashed bodies, bad breath and viciousness. On Thanksgiving weekend.

Serious Solution aka Wisdom Jerky to Chew On
Don’t risk your life or your morals. Your husband doesn’t need 92 inches of screen. You certainly don’t want that monstrosity taking up an entire wall. There are other things you can do for him that he’ll like just as well…probably. Things that don’t cost money. Use your imagination. Or Google it.

Just for Fun Holiday Song
“Christmas Shopping” by Buck Owens and His Buckaroos. Buck’s a country dude from grandma’s era, and no, I didn’t make up the name of his band. As for a dance, try a fast country twist cuz this is a peppy little tune!

Last Wise Words From Someone Else
Black Friday: Because only in America do people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.


Excerpt from Momma Grinch, A short, sassy guide to stopping the holiday madness By Terri Weeding (me)

All my love.

Next Up: Christmas Decorations Gone Wild!

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