Excerpt from Momma Grinch, a short, sassy guide to stopping the holiday madness
By Terri Weeding (that’s me)

Thanksgiving dinners takes 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

My Thanksgiving Dream
A long, relaxing Thanksgiving feast of family, friends, and gratitude. 18 leisurely hours to cook, or better yet, for your husband to cook. Savory, warm autumn foods. Fragrant spiced hot apple cider. Relaxing strolls outside to revel in the crisp air. Naps. Toasty fireside chats, movies, books, board games…. Unhurried family time and not a hint of Christmas anywhere.

The Ugly Truth
Thanksgiving is hurting in a big way. The victim of an assault and battery. Hobbling on its last turkey leg. Fluttering around on its last tiny wing that’s frankly way too little for its big bird body. The assassin? The retail industry. For turkey’s sake, Christmas paraphernalia is available for purchase before Halloween!
Christmas “promotions start in October, sometimes the music does too! Save me!

Shops are now open on Thanksgiving starting at 12 am. People are now skipping Thanksgiving dinner to go shopping. People are now going to bed at 6 pm so they can rise WAY before dawn to go shopping. People now decorate for Christmas BEFORE Thanksgiving. Happy Update! Target will be closed on Thanskgiving this year. Hoorah for the employees!

Where’s the Thanksgiving respect? Are you angry yet? A little ashamed? If you aren’t, you should be. And you should hop on the Take Back Thanksgiving train because you were brainwashed into riding the Crazy Christmas Train early. Why? To plump up the pockets of retailers of course.

Seasonal Exclamation of Dismay
What the cranberry sauce?!

Reasons Why This is a Big Bowl of Reindeer Poo
Thanksgiving used to be a proud, free standing holiday. A time of gathering and gratitude based on the fall harvest tradition. NOT ANYMORE. Thanksgiving is now a Christmas prepper weekend. Heck, the whole month of November has become a prelude to the big holiday.

Now listen up! (Pretend I just lightly slapped you across the face.) When you short-change Thanksgiving, you short-change yourself and your family of precious down time you can never get back. Wonder why the kids don’t appreciate anything? Why they rarely say thank you without prompting?

Appreciation and gratitude need to be taught and role modeled like any other character traits you are trying to stuff into their brains. What message are you sending when you dismiss the holiday of thanks? When Christmas prep becomes the main course of the weekend? Remember, Advent begins on Dec 2nd. That’s when you begin opening all those little windows on your calendar and gobbling down those cute little chocolate shapes.

So, I say this,”Back off, Christmas! You’re the star of the show. Stop being a buttinsky!

Thanksgiving Fantasy Scene of Immense Satisfaction
Well, of course it’s the men or children cooking for 14 hours followed by the men or children cleaning all 89 dishes while the adult women drink wine and watch non-football TV. Duh!

Serious Solution aka Wisdom Jerky to Chew On
It’s as easy as making a pumpkin pie with a ready-made graham cracker crust. Don’t allow Christmas to steal the Thanksgiving show. Don’t cloud your mind with thoughts of red and green when you should be focused on orange, gold, and brown gravy.

Why do you think financials publish holiday retail forecasts? To make you feel guilty. To encourage you to buy and then buy some more in order to help them meet, or better yet exceed, their projected earnings. It’s a psychological load of turkey giblets. Don’t get sucked in!

Just-for-Fun Seasonal Song and Dance
Over the River and Through The Hills (See nostolgic lyrics video below)
This song, an oldie I remember from elementary school, calls for a skipping-through-the-house type of step. Put your wine/cider down first.

Tantalizing Takeaway, What If…
You kept the entire holiday weekend sacred and true to its spirit? Kept your family’s cornucopia (horn a-plenty) front and center. Spent time pondering your bounty and filling up your soul along with your belly? Ah, yes. How lovely and serene it would be.

Last Wise Words From Someone Else
Thanksgiving is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest people; but be careful that you do not take the day and leave out the gratitude.
E.P. Powell