For a limited time! Buy the ebook,To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy, for .99 at Amazon

Excerpt from To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy.

I rocked back and forth for several minutes and studied Billy’s face as he stared at the gigantic screen. Contrary to what the salesman told him, I observed his two eyeballs moving as a set between the two pictures. There was no way his left eyeball could watch one game while his right watched the other.

At the thought of one dedicated eyeball per game, I chuckled out loud. Billy didn’t even glance up. Maybe if I fell to the ground and pretended to pass out, he would notice. Of course in order to get his attention, I would need to make a really loud thump when I struck the floor.

Or, I might catch his eye if I posed in front of the screen dressed in a tiny red, white, and blue string bikini with a six-pack nestled in each arm. Boobs and beer. Budweiser increased their sales a thousand times using that lethal combination.

A last option was the old standby, no clothes at all, just green body paint and a pair of gold pom-poms. If I stood directly in front of his chair and jumped up and down while shouting, Go Packers, Go Packers, Go Green Bay, Go Packers, well at the very least, he’d tell me to move.

Anticipation is high with both.  You wear your most flattering clothing (showcase your most polished prose). You take your time with your hair and makeup (lots of pretty words, amazing metaphors, action verbs, etc.). You exhibit good manners and watch your language (nothing crude and rude) and you smile, laugh a lot at his jokes, drop witty comments (introduction of engaging characters and an immediate obstacle) and if you like him, flirt to make sure he KNOWS you’re interested ( you are always interested in the reader wanting to read more). If the first date is a success,  then your obvious objective–date number two (chapter two)–should occur shortly thereafter.

In a nutshell, if you are writing chapter one, DON’T be boring, DON’T make it all about back-story, DO introduce an engaging, mysterious, funny, exciting, desperate character who is faced with conflict immediately. Boring people rarely get second dates. Boring first chapters often suffer a similar fate.

So clever, isn’t it? Here’s the skinny. I craft extensive to-do lists 365 days a year (yep, even when I’m sick or on vacation) and with grim, single-minded focus complete every task on the list including such mundane things as removing a sticky mark off the coffee table (I recommend Goo Be Gone), super gluing (Try Loctite Super Glue Control Gel) a loose piece of stucco on the side of the house, and whitening my teeth (the generic kits work just as well). Plus a hundred of other boring non-fulfilling, who give a rat’s tail, unimportant, unfulfilling tasks.

I do all these stupid things before I allow myself to do what I love (write, in case, you weren’t following along too closely) and of course, by THAT TIME, I’m exhausted and have no energy, no willpower, no vavoom, no nothin’…left in the tank.

Yes, I am my own whipping post. It’s a recipe for failure, sadness, and futility. But, there’s hope because acknowledging you have a problem is the first step! The second step is what will I do to STOP THE MADNESS?

Because it IS madness to deny oneself something oneself loves to do so very, very, much.

State Tune for Part III-Stopping The Maddness of Writer’s Procrastination

If fear is the mind killer then procrastination is the product of fear. This mind, this heart, this soul has a Fear of Writing. Yes,  I have finally self diagnosed myself after all these wasted years and have discovered that I have…GASP!…I must say it outloud… again… I HAVE A FEAR OF WRITING! I am afraid of doing what I most love, of engulfing myself in characters, and plots, and lovely word choice dilemmas, a fear of frolicking in the pleasure zone of imaginary worlds.

Why? Why? Why?

The conclusion to my intensive self analysis is I don’t feel worthy enough to do what I love. I feel guilty about doing what I love. Ergo, I procrastinate to punish myself. Twisted, right?

Skipping right over the worthy part.

Not going there in a blog post.

Let’s talk about that ugly P word. Procrastination. It plauges many writers. And we all have our tricks.  Here’s my best one, it’s very clever and consistent, and offers a hollow reward. Drum roll please…it’s … it’s…

Ha! Tune in next time for the revelation.

This is called a cliff hanger in case you didn’t realize it.

They are really anoying but can be effective.

Think about all those movie star divas….

Think about ALL the drama queens in your life whether they be members of your family (teen daughter, mother-in-law), the PTO, that co-worker, or women you must endure–like the ones who live vicariously through their children.

Maybe YOU are a drama queen and proud of it because hey, someone needs to stir things up otherwise life would be too, too boring!

Drama Queens are a blast to write and make for hillarious reading.

Here’s a list of my favorite COMMON DRAMA QUEEN traits inspired by some of my favorite characters like Mother Mona from To Kill An Armchair Husband and a few real life divas I’ve encountered along the way.

• Gossip starters and sharers
• Excessive hand usage when speaking
• Exagerrated gestures like rolling of eyes, gasping, sighing loudly
• Overly loud hyena- like laughter and exclamations designed to draw attention
• Personal space invaders-she stands really close to you when she talks
• Touchy feely meaning she really touches and feels you when she is in the drama zone. Not inappropriately though. There’s a different name for THOSE people.
• Whispering around other people
• Oh…My…God! favorite phrase
• Did you know? second favorite phrase
• Exagerrated reaction to everything–what other people say or do or a weather change or a cute pet or an ugly pet….
• Name brand obsessed
• Perfect hair, nails, etc. OR over-the-top hair, nails, etc. which she believes to be perfect
• Silent, suffering boyfriend or spouse often trailing three steps behind
• Appears to be electically charged when a dramatic incident occurs
• Opinionated
• Animated when there is drama, unanimated when there is not, in fact her aura darkens and a slumped posture is common
• Shrill or at the very least inappropriately loud…that is when she’s not whispering about someone
• Strangely fascinating to watch from a distance
• Extremely annoying to be in her vicinity

Feel free to share your favorite drama queen trait. No real names please. We must protect the innocent!

Writing From the Inside Out

Step Outline

As the term implies, a step-outline is told in steps. Using one or two sentence statements, the writer simply and clearly describes what happens in each scene, how it builds and how it turns, for example, “He enters expecting to find her home,but instead discovers her note saying she’s left home for good.”

On the back of each card the writer indicates what step in the design of the story he sees this scene fulfilling–at least for the moment. What scenes set up the Inciting Incident? Which is the Inciting Incident? First Act Climax? Perhaps a Mid-Act Climax? Second Act? Third? Fourth? Or more? He does this for Central Plot and subplots alike. 

This advice is golden. Sometimes writers think they need to write emotionally or organically minus a game plan when really they need to write logically and orderly according to an outline which of course is a game plan. (Whoa! I used a whole lot of adverbs there.) This process will help avoid many of the common writing pitfalls like a soft middle, a contrived story, a plot riddled with holes, and so on and so on.

Take my advice. Buy Story. Read it and write correctly–from the inside out. By the way, Mr. McKee does indeed discuss the horrors of writing the opposite way– from the outside in– in his book in case you have a perverse curiosity about doing things the wrong way.

There’s always one or two of you out there.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.  Dr. Seuss

We need to laugh more and seek stress reducing humor in our everyday lives. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter  roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional coreand helps us feel better, see things more clearly, and creatively weigh and use our options. Laughter helps us roll with the punches that inevitably come our way. The power of laughter is unleashed every time we laugh. In today’s stressful world, we need to laugh much more.  Laughter Therapist, Enda Junkins, LCSW, LMFT, BCD

I’ve always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, “Ain’t that the truth.”  Quincy Jones

A good, real, unrestrained, hearty laugh is a sort of glorified internal massage, performed rapidly and automatically.  It manipulates and revitalizes corners and unexplored crannies of the system that are unresponsive to most other exercise methods.  Author unknown, from an editorial in New-York
Tribune, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  e.e. cummings

]]> http://terriweeding.com/2012/02/08/favorite-laughter-quotes-from-a-humor-writer/feed/ 1 http://terriweeding.com/2012/01/23/superbowl-sunday-free-download/ http://terriweeding.com/2012/01/23/superbowl-sunday-free-download/#comments Tue, 24 Jan 2012 05:29:49 +0000 Terri http://terriweeding.com/?p=503 Long suffering football widows, this one’s for you!

Need a good laugh right about now? Want to read a story that makes fun of football-crazed men?

On Superbowl weekend,  the e-book version of To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy will be available for a mere 99 cents.

Click on http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/22207  to download. Kindle, Sony e-reader, ipad,  and PDF versions available. If you want to read chapter one, it’s available for free on my site. See…wait for it… Chapter One.

Why the smoking hot deal?

I’m celebrating…Women who live with men who live for football.

I’m celebrating…Women who enjoy a crazy parody.

I’m celebrating…The 99 cent deal. I’d like to think this deal beats the pants off an item from the fast food value menu every time! Lasts longer and no calories!

Pass the news on to women who share your same status-football widow. They might need a laugh right about now. It’s been a LONG season.

BTW, Superbowl Sunday is in two short weeks.

Prepare yourself.

Remember when you were a teenager and EVERYTHING was a drama? Even if something wasn’t, you’d find a way to make it so. Why? Because a dramatic life is much more exciting, more stimulating, than a chill life.

Chill is well, dull.  Chill does not make a good story.

Drama makes a good story. Drama evokes emotion and emotion connects us to the characters–their triumphs and their heartaches.

Think back to when you’d rehearse a scene you planned on creating, say with your boyfriend, in front of the mirror. You’d practice your lines. Anticipate answers and reactions. Use different voices. Study your face for expression. Practice the “right” tone in your voice. You’d run through the scene a couple times trying different approaches, looking for those perfect lines to obtain your specific goal whether it be a civilized break-up or an invite to the prom.

Verbally fleshing out a book scene in front of a mirror forces you to hear your characters as they react to obstacles and as they interact with one another. This exercise can reveal inconsistencies in dialogue and plot. It can answer questions like does he or she sound realistic? Are their answers boring? Is the scene complete?

Most importantly, it can answer one of the VIP questions. Does this scene move your story forward?

If you are not asking and answering this question after every scene you write, you should be.

And if you ask the question and the answer is no…

Well I say… yawn.

I thought about saying things like, “Stop whining, stop procrastinating, sit down in front of your computer and WRITE!!” Yeah, you want to slap me.

But how many times have we heard this kind of DUH advice? Picture me rolling my eyes like a teenager.

I don’t want to be that person, instead,  I’m going be the person who gives you unusual, UNWRITING like advice on how to revitalize your writing in 2012.  Picture me winking while giving the thumbs up.

 Bathroom Time: Don’t Just Sit There, Write!

This tip is for writers who are short on time. Imagine your characters talking and walking and interacting while you are sitting on the pot. That’s right, create the next scene in your book AND take care of business. What else do you have to do but stare at the hard water deposits on your shower door?

I got this brilliant idea from my youngest child who never goes in empty-handed. Her accomplishments include: memorizing song lyrics, changing doll outfits, and the reading of hundreds of books. Heck, she bought a lap version of the BOP IT game with her own money so she could practice in the bathroom. She did this even though she already owned a regular sized one! This child hates to waste time.

I believe bathroom time is the most under-utilized opportunity for adding precious writing time to your crazed life.  Say you’re not the lingering type, you keep things to a minimum–20 minutes tops.

Think of how 20 minutes every single day (hopefully) will add up!  That’s as much as 140 minutes a week! With bathroom time, you can create the scene in your head or you can bring in paper and pen or even a tablet to capture your scene.

Bathroom Time could be the answer to the ”where will I find the time to write” prayer.

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