Category — Humor Writing

 The classic mother-in-law. Mother Mona, from my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy is such a character. Mother Mona is annoying, judgmental, and has overindulged her son from day one.

 It’s a lot of fun and surprisingly easy to write an over-the-top character like the classic mother-in-law. This is how I did it.

1. I created her personality. Mona is overdramatic, narcasstic, and a martyr. She’s obsessed with her only child, cooking and cleaning, and she waits on her husband, hand and foot. Oh, and no woman could ever be good enough for her baby boy (adult son).

2. When I wrote Mona’s dialogue and actions,  I grossly exaggerated her speech, thoughts, movements,  actions, reactions…everything.  

3. Major characters and major secondary characters should all experience some type of transformation as the story progresses. In keeping with Mona’s dramatic personality, her transformation was extreme as well. 

For a taste of Mother Mona, read this excerpt from Chapter 14: Mamma’s Not Happy.

Five years ago, minutes before Charlene walked down the aisle to wed her only child, Mona presented her future daughter-in-law with a laminated copy of her baby boy’s favorite dinners. The comprehensive seven-day meal plan included entrées, corresponding side dishes, and the perfect desserts. On the flip side of document, she included every recipe and the brand name of all the ingredients so that Charlene could duplicate each meal without fail.

What better gift to give a new bride? The ultimate time-saver, one guaranteed to save Charlene hours of trial and error in the kitchen. A gift to please a husband in the most important area — his stomach.

Mona picked up the bucket and carried it to the laundry room. As she dumped out the muddy water, she sighed at the memory of her own generosity. Charlene had never appreciated the gift. To make matters worse, she had resisted every attempt Mona made to guide her in the fine art of homemaking and husband attending. Consequently, Mona felt the need to check on her son’s well-being on a regular basis.

Starting the day Billy and Charlene returned from their honeymoon, Mona called every night at seven o’clock sharp. Her objective was two-fold; to find out if Charlene bothered to make the correct side dish and to discover whether she went the extra, but necessary mile, to produce a dessert.

“No meal is complete without dessert.” It was her favorite line. In her mind, she addressed an audience composed of look-a-like Charlene’s, slender of waist and disdainful of traditional ways.

Much to Mona’s chagrin, in the last few years Charlene stopped making dessert all together. She claimed Billy was overweight. Mona disagreed. Her son was simply big-boned, like his father.

As she rinsed and squeezed the water from the mop, Mona fretted about her son’s deprived stomach. She felt his pain and nightly disappointment. “Oh my poor Billy,” she moaned, imagining her son’s sweet tooth throbbing in agony.

Creating an over-the-top character is a blast.  It’s a great writing exercise too, as it will help you to flesh out your character.

I highly recommend it!

The most accesible and most common humor in the world is family humor. 

Think family sitcoms. All in the Family, Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, Everybody Loves Raymond . . . Heck, it’s hard to come up with sitcoms that aren’t centered on a family. Even Friends was about a close-knit group of friends who considered themselves a family.

Check out this great excerpt from Everybody Loves Raymond

Marie: These breadsticks are old.

Frank: You are what you eat.

Marie: Bobby, give your father his helping of Miserable Bastard.

People in close contact will eventually compete with and irritate each other. Husbands compete with wives, in-laws compete with married children, children compete with parents, and entire families compete with relatives and neighbors. The mother-in-law visit is still one of the hundred  most common plots on TV. Laughter is created when characters interreact with love, illness, jealousy, prejudice, death, and cream pies. Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

If you write comedy or even if you’re just interested in how it works, I highly recommend Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer. Mr. Helitzer’s book breaks down comedy to its core elements. Plus he includes lots of funny excerpts.

Coming next . . . Part II–Mother Mona. The grossly exaggerated mother-in-law sterotype  from my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy.  Read a Mona excerpt and learn how I created this “Monster-in-law.”

Let’s say you’ve composed something funny.

Your concept, your witty dialogue is cracking you up so much you can barely type the sentences.

You finish stroking the keys, wipe the tears of hilarity from your cheeks and sigh,  “Oh man that’s good…”

“Isn’t it?”

“How can I tell?”

YOU can’t.

Unless you do these three things.

1. Let your incredibly amusing work sit a day or two. 

2. Read your words out loud.  Did you still laugh?

3. Send the words to a couple people (not your mother, spouse, uninterested teenager, or BFF). Better yet, read the section out loud to those chosen few who don’t care about hurting your feelings. I recommend East coasters.

Did anyone crack a smile? Chuckle? Snort?

If yes, good for you.

If no, maybe they didn’t get your humor.

Now at least you know.

Five Ways to Make ‘Em Laugh

Want a write a funny story? Liven up a boring holiday party? Auditioning for Last Comic Standing? These humor tips have multiple applications.

1. Outright mocking of stereotypical habits.  Men, women, sex …the opportunities are endless. Make it funny but not malicious.

2. The over-the-top situation commonly referred to as a farce. Create the ridiculous then crank things up even further.  Restraint has no place here.

3. Tongue-in-cheek. Subtle humor requires finesse and perfect timing. Ask this VIP question. Will your audience get it?

4. Crude and rude can equal funny. But don’t go for broke. Gross and nasty are generally turn-offs.

5. Unlikely pairings.  An eighty year-old grandma wearing a thong, a push-up bra, and stilettos.  Kinda scary and funny.

Remember a bold delivery is crucial and for goodness sake, have fun!  I love cracking myself up!

Spice up your fiction with a quirky character or two. They’re unpredictable, memorable, and a whole lot of fun to write.

Let’s examine my quirky character, Miss Sallie Baker. I’ve listed some of her major traits and inserted helpful commentary in italics.

• Miss Sallie fancies a wardrobe of flouncy square-dancing skirts and turtlenecks. Hmm, that’s an odd combo.
• Miss Sallie is a petite woman with delicate features and limbs. Unfortunately, she possesses an exceedingly prominent Adam’s apple.  Yikes! Could that be why she favors turtlenecks?
• Miss Sallie has a husky voice; she sounds like a sex talk operator.  Oops, gave away her occupation!
• Miss Sallie is dyslectic; she dropped out of high school because of it.  Gosh, could that be why she’s a sex talk operator?
• Miss Sallie attends church every morning.  Really? Does her occupation make her feel guilty?
• Miss Sallie has never had relations with a man. Holy Toledo! But she’s a sex talk operator!

Yep, that’s right.  A sex talk operator who’s never done it.  Miss Sallie is full of strange contradictions and inconsistencies, many of which relate to one another. Therefore, her story lines should be interesting because she’s not going to act in a predicable manner. Plus, she’s got that turtleneck/square dancing skirt look going on.  Plenty of visual opportunity there.

Try your hand at a quirky character today.

I guarantee you’ll love it!

I rocked back and forth for several minutes and studied Billy’s face as he stared at the gigantic screen. Contrary to what the salesman told him, I observed his two eyeballs moving as a set between the two pictures. There was no way his left eyeball could watch one game while his right watched the other.

At the thought of one dedicated eyeball per game, I chuckled out loud. Billy didn’t even glance up. Maybe if I fell to the ground and pretended to pass out, he would notice. Of course in order to get his attention, I would need to make a really loud thump when I struck the floor.

Or, I might catch his eye if I posed in front of the screen dressed in a tiny red, white, and blue string bikini with a six-pack nestled in each arm. Boobs and beer. Budweiser increased their sales a thousand times using that lethal combination.

A last option was the old standby, no clothes at all, just green body paint and a pair of gold pom-poms. If I stood directly in front of his chair and jumped up and down while shouting, Go Packers, Go Packers, Go Green Bay, Go Packers, well at the very least, he’d tell me to move.

Multiple football screens...Yikes!

Here’s the weekly excerpt from  my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy. This one is short but sweet in a Sports Center kind of way!

When the moon ducked behind a caravan of clouds, I downed the last of my wine and stood up. As I passed through the family room, I heard a commentator remark that the current football game was tied at the end of the fourth quarter. He went on to say that right after the commercial break, sudden death overtime would begin. The team that scored first would prevail. According to the announcer, nine times out of ten, the gutsy or unexpected play secured the win.

I glanced at Billy and saw his face brighten, his spine straighten a little. Sports Center and he both thrived on these moments. Soon, a glorious victory for one team would result in agonizing defeat for the other.

Tired of waiting for her husband to snap out of his thirty-six month slump, suburban wife Charlie Score executes a gutsy and unexpected play to win the game. The crowd roars. The commentators go wild. The victorious woman starts a new life.

I’m reading a book by the comedian/actor/producer Denis Leary. It’s called, WHY WE SUCK.

I find it extremely funny and outrageous and yes, it’s very crude, but that’s okay. I like crude.

Mr. Leary is from the East Coast. From personal experience, I know those dudes always tell it like they see it.

Crude gets a bad rap. Which is ridiculous.

Look at these synonyms for crude.
Natural
Green
Homemade

Now look at these antonyms for crude.
Formal
Refined
Stilted

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be in the first category. And yeah, I hand-picked the adjectives that supported my stance, but that’s my right. It’s my blog.

With crude, there’s no need to read between the lines. No need to worry about offending . . . ’cause most likely you will, and in fact, you want to.

Sure tact is nicer. But lets face it, tact requires thought. And discernment. And usually a little white lie. Or a really big white lie. And of course empathy. Frankly, being tactful is a lot of work.

Crude is much easier. It kicks you in the face and the butt at the same time.

And that’s why I laugh.

Crude Alert! Just read an interview with Drew Barrymore in Elle magazine. She describes her forthcoming movie, Going The Distance, as ” a romantic comedy with the raunchy dialogue of a Judd Apatow movie.” I’m so gonna love it!

Sing to the tune of who’s afraid of the big, bad wolf.

Who’s afraid of the big, black dog… the big, black dog … the big black dog….?

Ah … nobody. Dudes! I’m a lover not a fighter. I love giving love and I love receiving love.

In that spirit, here are five surefire tips for maximizing the love in your life:

1. Keep the talking to a minimum. Barking for no reason other than a fondness for the sound of my own voice, or because I can, or because I’m bored, doesn’t bring the love. So unless it’s important, I keep the barks down to one or two a week. Sure, I’ll produce a quickie if someone waves a biscuit under my nose, but hey, a biscuit is food. And food equals love. Right?

2. Cultivate the sad whine not the annoying persistent whine. Here’s what I do. Walk across a room occupied by people, stop, let out one soft whine, follow it with a long sigh, and then continue to the other side of the room. People WILL hurry after you and ask what’s wrong. People WILL pet you. People MIGHT give you another biscuit. If you whine continuously you WILL get LESS love not more.

3. Be the rug, don’t eat it. My fur is way silkier and softer than a rug. I have found if I position myself directly under people’s feet I get foot rubs that last a long time. This easy tip really racks up the love hours whereas chewing the rug does not.

4. Embrace your creative side. If my owners wanted to, they could dress me in a bonnet and nightgown, throw some granny specs on my nose, and pop me under the bed sheets. With my handsome head and toothy smile, I’m a shoe-in for the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. Good performance, bad performance, it doesn’t really matter for I’ll receive mucho love for my acting efforts.

5. Every dog is a lapdog. I weigh in at 100 lbs. No matter. I allow my owner to pick me up and with a not inconsiderable effort place me upright on his lap. It’s pure heaven. I get to kiss his face. I get to put my head on his shoulder. He scratches my belly. I play guitar. Sure, being held upright IS a little uncomfortable but the love benefits are unbelievable.

Take it from this love expert, if you follow my top five tips you WILL maximize the love in your canine life. Heck, most of these tips work well for humans too!

Sincerely,
Elvis, the dog (Slurp! I just licked your face!)