Category — Funny Stuff

THE TO-DO LIST.

So clever, isn’t it? Here’s the skinny. I craft extensive to-do lists 365 days a year (yep, even when I’m sick or on vacation) and with grim, single-minded focus complete every task on the list including such mundane things as removing a sticky mark off the coffee table (I recommend Goo Be Gone), super gluing (Try Loctite Super Glue Control Gel) a loose piece of stucco on the side of the house, and whitening my teeth (the generic kits work just as well). Plus a hundred of other boring non-fulfilling, who give a rat’s tail, unimportant, unfulfilling tasks.

I do all these stupid things before I allow myself to do what I love (write, in case, you weren’t following along too closely) and of course, by THAT TIME, I’m exhausted and have no energy, no willpower, no vavoom, no nothin’…left in the tank.

Yes, I am my own whipping post. It’s a recipe for failure, sadness, and futility. But, there’s hope because acknowledging you have a problem is the first step! The second step is what will I do to STOP THE MADNESS?

Because it IS madness to deny oneself something oneself loves to do so very, very, much.

State Tune for Part III-Stopping The Maddness of Writer’s Procrastination

The Conflict.

If fear is the mind killer then procrastination is the product of fear. This mind, this heart, this soul has a Fear of Writing. Yes,  I have finally self diagnosed myself after all these wasted years and have discovered that I have…GASP!…I must say it outloud… again… I HAVE A FEAR OF WRITING! I am afraid of doing what I most love, of engulfing myself in characters, and plots, and lovely word choice dilemmas, a fear of frolicking in the pleasure zone of imaginary worlds.

Why? Why? Why?

The conclusion to my intensive self analysis is I don’t feel worthy enough to do what I love. I feel guilty about doing what I love. Ergo, I procrastinate to punish myself. Twisted, right?

Skipping right over the worthy part.

Not going there in a blog post.

Let’s talk about that ugly P word. Procrastination. It plauges many writers. And we all have our tricks.  Here’s my best one, it’s very clever and consistent, and offers a hollow reward. Drum roll please…it’s … it’s…

Ha! Tune in next time for the revelation.

This is called a cliff hanger in case you didn’t realize it.

They are really anoying but can be effective.

I write humor for a reason. Laughter is one of my guiding forces. My daily objective is to laugh more frequently and more deeply and if I can reach the point where I’m falling down, holding my stomach, screaming, “Stop! No more!” then it is the best of days! Here are a few laughter quotes that inspire me.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.  Dr. Seuss

We need to laugh more and seek stress reducing humor in our everyday lives. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter  roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional coreand helps us feel better, see things more clearly, and creatively weigh and use our options. Laughter helps us roll with the punches that inevitably come our way. The power of laughter is unleashed every time we laugh. In today’s stressful world, we need to laugh much more.  Laughter Therapist, Enda Junkins, LCSW, LMFT, BCD

I’ve always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, “Ain’t that the truth.”  Quincy Jones

A good, real, unrestrained, hearty laugh is a sort of glorified internal massage, performed rapidly and automatically.  It manipulates and revitalizes corners and unexplored crannies of the system that are unresponsive to most other exercise methods.  Author unknown, from an editorial in New-York
Tribune, quoted in Quotations for Special Occasions by Maud van Buren

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  e.e. cummings

Grinch Thwarted Again
In her house she is the indisputable Grinch. She is the one who tries to keep the household on a budget, the one who tries to prevent four female children (who consider shopping a major hobby) from becoming spoiled rotten. Tightwad, Queen of Thrift, Meanie Mommy, and The Wicked Step-Monster are some of her other alias.
As The Grinch, her most common phrases include no, NO, I don’t think so (said with pronounced sarcasm), you have ten of those already, starving children in Africa would love to have just one of your ___, we are not made of money, that costs a lot of money, use your own money, use your imagination and pretend you have one, you don’t use the one you already have, shopping is not a hobby, go to your room if you are going to pout, and other heartless lines. In response, the children weep, beg, offer bribes, and throw tantrums. But The Grinch, determined to win the battle against gross materialism and credit card debt, shows no mercy.
Click continue to download the full story.

Three Wise Women would have . . .

asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts, and there would be Peace On Earth.

Girls Rule.

1.  The summer hit “Bridesmaids” celebrates raunchy chick comedy. Chicks like raunchy!  Nothing wrong with a little crude and rude humor in the appropriate setting.

 2. Chicks are SO sick of raunchy guy comedies . . .  Old School, The Wedding Crashers, Hangover, etc., etc., infinity and beyond.

3. Chick comedies feature hot guys. FINALLY!  Well, why not? Who says we can’t admire male beauty just like men admire female beauty.

4. Chicks like to bond over the timeless chick themes found in chick comedies.  Bad bridesmaid dresses, hot guys who are dumb, true love, stuck-up girls always getting everything they want.

5. Chicks usually go on chick outings before or after a chick comedy. Chicks like two back-to-back events. Dinner and a movie. Drinks and a movie. A manicure and a movie.

6. In chick comedies, chicks are in leading roles. They are NEVER just eye-candy. They have brains, and purpose, and sure they may be attractive, but they are never stupid . . .  and yeah they might make mistakes . . . but they’re not BRAINLESS woman waiting for a man to take care of them.

7. Chicks like to go to the chick comedies and eat a large BUCKET of popcorn instead of a meal. (Ok, this chick likes to do that)

8. Chicks like to bring their husbands and or boyfriends to chick comedies and laugh obnoxiously, whistle at the hot guys, and do all the things they’ve been forced to endure at guy comedies. Call it payback.

9. Chicks are glad there is something more out there than the  sappy, bring your hankie chick flick.

10. Chicks rule. So should their movies!

I couldn’t write straight if I tried. The smartypants in me comes through every time. So writing became a lot easier once I stopped trying to write straight and embraced the motto, I is what I is. . . a little twisted, often inappropriate, and seldom serious. Read on for a sneak peek at my next novel, MADDY AND THE DOUBLE BUZZ.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.” Hope Tooley folded her hands and bowed her head. She shifted her weight to relieve the pressure on her knees and made a mental note to replace the red velvet padding on the bench. Monty used to do it every couple of years. She’d have to hire someone this time around. 

She raised her eyes to the ornate gold crucifix positioned over the small altar. An image of her husband lounging on a couch surrounded by young women dressed in I dream of Jeannie get-ups flashed in her mind. “Hope you’re enjoying yourself up there, buster.” Of course God wouldn’t allow that type of hedonism in heaven, but then again, Monty had a way of getting what he wanted. No matter, Monty was God’s problem now.

Hope leaned forward and parted a set of black curtains hanging from the bottom of the altar. A brown mini-fridge sat tucked under a single shelf. She grabbed a silver chalice from the alter and opened the fridge door. Eight bottles of Holy City Chianti chilled inside. A case shipped to the house once a month. The wine came from an Italian vineyard purportedly blessed by his holy eminence himself.

She poured herself a full glass from an open bottle and gently shut the door and closed the curtains. With one hand, she grabbed the rail and pulled herself to a standing position, careful not to spill a drop of Holy City on the white bedroom carpet. It was time to make her rounds.

 On the roof deck, the clear night sky sparkled with tiny lights. Hope adjusted the lens on the telescope and removed a digital voice recorder from the pocket of her sweater. She placed it next to the chalice on a wrought iron table painted sun flower yellow. A black leather diary bearing a silver lock emerged from her other pocket. She opened it using a key hanging from her neck and began reviewing her notes.

 CAV Campaign to rid the town of the evil presence of Maddy Harper and her house of hell, The Double Buzz.

Allegations

1. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for communist/anti-George W. Bush activism. Example: Political Debate Night, 2 for 1 special on Tuesdays.

2. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for radical religious debates. Example: World Religion Exploration, 2 for 1 special on Sundays.

 3. Proprietor may have ties to WICA. Example: “Witch’s Brew” beer label. Note: Proprietor may be closet lesbian as well. Wears t-shirts with the following expressions: Not Interested, Don’t Even Think About It, and Exempt From Men.

 4. The atmosphere at the Double Buzz encourages promiscuity. Examples: a) Karaoke night on Thirsty Thursdays, Buy 2 get 1 free and; b) “Hell Yeah You Can Dance!” on Friday Nights. Free beer with $5 cover.

 Hope pursed her lips and smoothed the back of her bun. That woman and her establishment were sullying the town of Redemption. As the President of Citizens Against Vice(CAV), it was her job to collect evidence substantiating every allegation. According to Bernard, getting rid of Maddy Harper and her reprehensible establishment would position Hope as the town’s savior. He said such heroic actions might even warrant a statue in the town’s square.

Her sister would have a fit. She’d have to stop the naughty hand gestures then. Flipping off the town’s savior would look unseemly.

Success would place Bernard at her feet. Eternally grateful, a two, maybe three carat diamond in hand, he would at last propose. She’d already bought a white peignoir and matching dressing gown for their honeymoon in Rome. Perhaps she should petition for an audience with his Holiness? Father Thomas would surely write a letter of recommendation.

Hope took a sip of wine and turned the telescope five degrees to the left. She pressed the record button on the recorder and peered through the lens.

“Oh my word.” The recorder dropped from her hands.

Pitches, Hooks, and Loglines, Oh my!

Pitches, Hooks, and Loglines, Oh why! 

Because some people have short attention spans.

Because some people want to be intrigued before they commit.

Because some people don’t have the time to read your book, your synopsis, or even your cover letter.

 What makes a good pitch, hook, and logline?

Verbs and nouns that pack a punch, conflict, humor, drama, and ununsual but relatable plots aka HIGH CONCEPT plots. 

What is a HIGH CONCEPT plot? A story that appeals to a lot of people.

Here are some examples of pitches, hooks, and loglines.

United by a history they cannot discuss, yet starkly alone in their private struggles, father and son confront their demons and one another in a stand-off that will change them both forever. Poles Apart by Audrey RL Wyatt

Long-suffering sports widow is repeatedly thwarted in her unconventional attempts to murder the armchair jock husband she may still love. To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy by me, Terri Weeding

And . . . here’s my new favorite logline.  A rancher tries to stop king-sized, hopped-up carnivorous rabbits as they roar through Arizona.  Night of Lepus, movie  

 Notice the use of strong adjectives like king-sized and hopped-up. And ”roared”, well, can’t get much more powerful than that for a verb.

As for an unusual but relatable plotline . . . 

I live in Arizona so I can testify to the existence of giant-sized, hopped-up, carnivorous bunnies.

My mom sent me this picture of a deceased man . . . at his wake . . . IN HIS RECLINING ARMCHAIR! 

For those who suspected I grossly exaggerated a man’s love for his recliner in my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy,  I say . . . HA!  Did not!

Men adored special chairs. Special throne-like chairs. Command chairs with remotes (think Captain Picard).  And, if a man’s chair comes with a built-in massager, a mini-bar, and reclines every which way, all the better!

Apparently, this poor dude’s last wishes included placement in his recliner. If that’s not enduring love for the chair, I don’t know what is!

Check out the story of a dude who got trapped in his chair by a buffalo head!  http://news.discovery.com/animals/buffalo-head-falls-traps-man-in-his-recliner-chair.html

Take heed all you hunter/recliner lovers. Life in the chair can be dangerous too!