Category — My book

Long suffering football widows, this one’s for you!

Need a good laugh right about now? Want to read a story that makes fun of football-crazed men?

On Superbowl weekend,  the e-book version of To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy will be available for a mere 99 cents.

Click on http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/22207  to download. Kindle, Sony e-reader, ipad,  and PDF versions available. If you want to read chapter one, it’s available for free on my site. See…wait for it… Chapter One.

Why the smoking hot deal?

I’m celebrating…Women who live with men who live for football.

I’m celebrating…Women who enjoy a crazy parody.

I’m celebrating…The 99 cent deal. I’d like to think this deal beats the pants off an item from the fast food value menu every time! Lasts longer and no calories!

Pass the news on to women who share your same status-football widow. They might need a laugh right about now. It’s been a LONG season.

BTW, Superbowl Sunday is in two short weeks.

Prepare yourself.

I’ve posted an interview I did a couple months ago with fellow author Darcia Helle. It answers a lot of burning questions.  Enjoy!

Today I have the pleasure of introducing everyone to author Terri Weeding, whose dark comedy To Kill An Armchair Husband: a dark comedy (Volume 1) had me laughing out loud.

A Chat With Terri:

1. What prompted the idea for this book?

My husband’s former, beloved brown leather recliner. One day he and I were watching a “game” on TV when it occurred to me that THE CHAIR was a major presence (character) in the room.

2. Billy, the Armchair Husband is glued to his TV, watching sports with the remote in his hand. You and your husband both enjoy sports. Do either of you have Armchair issues of your own?

Yes! Both of us! We have three armchairs in the house right now. He has a brown suede model in the family room and I have two petite brown leather armchairs in the bedroom. Did I mention our couch reclines at both ends as well? And yes we do like watching sports on TV, but we have lives and a DVR thank goodness. A three hour baseball game can be viewed in a half-hour.

3. Why does Charlie (Charlene) feel that killing Billy is a better option than divorce?

Here’s the complicated multi-part answer. Charlie wants a clean break. Billy’s not really living anyway since he spends all his free time watching sports! Part of her worries she wouldn’t have the strength to divorce Billy because underneath all of her pain and anger she still loves him. Plus there’s all those divorce horror stories. I don’t know anybody who has experienced a “good” divorce. Most are costly, prolonged, and often nasty.

4. Your humor and dialogue appear effortless in your writing. Do you have favorite comedians that inspire you?

Thanks for the compliment! Humor writers I enjoy include: Janet Evanovich, Laurie Notaro, Dave Barry, David Sedaris, and Erma Bombeck. I love comedy clubs too. Nothing beats uncontrolled, gut-aching laughter. It’s a natural high!

5. You’re working on your second novel. Can you tell us about it?

It’s titled Maddy and The Double Buzz and it will be out in 2011. The main character, Maddy, is a feisty widow, who is trained as a brewmaster. Teenage daughter in tow, she’s moves to the small town of Redemption and opens a tavern, The Double Buzz. To the chagrin of some of the more conservative residents, The Double Buzz becomes a hotbed of discourse, dancing, and wild romance.

The End

The most accesible and most common humor in the world is family humor. 

Think family sitcoms. All in the Family, Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, Everybody Loves Raymond . . . Heck, it’s hard to come up with sitcoms that aren’t centered on a family. Even Friends was about a close-knit group of friends who considered themselves a family.

Check out this great excerpt from Everybody Loves Raymond

Marie: These breadsticks are old.

Frank: You are what you eat.

Marie: Bobby, give your father his helping of Miserable Bastard.

People in close contact will eventually compete with and irritate each other. Husbands compete with wives, in-laws compete with married children, children compete with parents, and entire families compete with relatives and neighbors. The mother-in-law visit is still one of the hundred  most common plots on TV. Laughter is created when characters interreact with love, illness, jealousy, prejudice, death, and cream pies. Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

If you write comedy or even if you’re just interested in how it works, I highly recommend Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer. Mr. Helitzer’s book breaks down comedy to its core elements. Plus he includes lots of funny excerpts.

Coming next . . . Part II–Mother Mona. The grossly exaggerated mother-in-law sterotype  from my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy.  Read a Mona excerpt and learn how I created this “Monster-in-law.”

I rocked back and forth for several minutes and studied Billy’s face as he stared at the gigantic screen. Contrary to what the salesman told him, I observed his two eyeballs moving as a set between the two pictures. There was no way his left eyeball could watch one game while his right watched the other.

At the thought of one dedicated eyeball per game, I chuckled out loud. Billy didn’t even glance up. Maybe if I fell to the ground and pretended to pass out, he would notice. Of course in order to get his attention, I would need to make a really loud thump when I struck the floor.

Or, I might catch his eye if I posed in front of the screen dressed in a tiny red, white, and blue string bikini with a six-pack nestled in each arm. Boobs and beer. Budweiser increased their sales a thousand times using that lethal combination.

A last option was the old standby, no clothes at all, just green body paint and a pair of gold pom-poms. If I stood directly in front of his chair and jumped up and down while shouting, Go Packers, Go Packers, Go Green Bay, Go Packers, well at the very least, he’d tell me to move.

Multiple football screens...Yikes!

Here’s the weekly excerpt from  my novel, To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy. This one is short but sweet in a Sports Center kind of way!

When the moon ducked behind a caravan of clouds, I downed the last of my wine and stood up. As I passed through the family room, I heard a commentator remark that the current football game was tied at the end of the fourth quarter. He went on to say that right after the commercial break, sudden death overtime would begin. The team that scored first would prevail. According to the announcer, nine times out of ten, the gutsy or unexpected play secured the win.

I glanced at Billy and saw his face brighten, his spine straighten a little. Sports Center and he both thrived on these moments. Soon, a glorious victory for one team would result in agonizing defeat for the other.

Tired of waiting for her husband to snap out of his thirty-six month slump, suburban wife Charlie Score executes a gutsy and unexpected play to win the game. The crowd roars. The commentators go wild. The victorious woman starts a new life.

The e-version of To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy, is coming out this month. I’m very excited! I want you to be excited too, so I’m posting story excerpts every week in August. Here’s the first. Enjoy!

 A year ago, after catching a rerun of Archie Bunker, I crafted a short essay about Billy’s chair and sent it out to half a dozen women’s magazines. I hoped a savvy editor would recognize the relevance of the topic for thousands, maybe millions, of married women.

Reflections on Man and His Beloved Recliner

If man’s best friend is a dog, then man’s best mistress is his recliner, commonly referred to as THE CHAIR. THE CHAIR provides a refuge of comfort and total acceptance. Wrapped in THE CHAIR’S loving embrace, a man can relax to the point of letting it all (see enclosed picture) hang out.

A most savvy mistress, THE CHAIR demands nothing but a warm body. She doesn’t expect flowers or expensive jewelry. Conversation is not required. Eye contact is never an issue. THE CHAIR tolerates mood swings, profanity, and flatulence. She doesn’t nag about date night or sex. She doesn’t care about dirty dishes or unfinished household projects.

Most importantly, THE CHAIR loves televised sports. She offers multiple positions suitable for watching sports, reading about sports, eating and drinking while watching sports, and dreaming about sports.

THE CHAIR is the perfect mistress. No woman could ever compare. No woman should ever try. 

Sadly, the essay was rejected by all six publications. Only one editor provided feedback. In capital red letters she wrote, THIS TOPIC IS TOO DEPRESSING FOR WOMEN. Underneath, in faint, barely legible print, she added; just ignore the chair, that’s what I do.

In retrospect, I realized I should have sent the essay to a men’s periodical like Sports Illustrated. There, it might have won an award for insightful journalism.