Preview of Dark Comedy #2

I couldn’t write straight if I tried. The smartypants in me comes through every time. So writing became a lot easier once I stopped trying to write straight and embraced the motto, I is what I is. . . a little twisted, often inappropriate, and seldom serious. Read on for a sneak peek at my next novel, MADDY AND THE DOUBLE BUZZ.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.” Hope Tooley folded her hands and bowed her head. She shifted her weight to relieve the pressure on her knees and made a mental note to replace the red velvet padding on the bench. Monty used to do it every couple of years. She’d have to hire someone this time around. 

She raised her eyes to the ornate gold crucifix positioned over the small altar. An image of her husband lounging on a couch surrounded by young women dressed in I dream of Jeannie get-ups flashed in her mind. “Hope you’re enjoying yourself up there, buster.” Of course God wouldn’t allow that type of hedonism in heaven, but then again, Monty had a way of getting what he wanted. No matter, Monty was God’s problem now.

Hope leaned forward and parted a set of black curtains hanging from the bottom of the altar. A brown mini-fridge sat tucked under a single shelf. She grabbed a silver chalice from the alter and opened the fridge door. Eight bottles of Holy City Chianti chilled inside. A case shipped to the house once a month. The wine came from an Italian vineyard purportedly blessed by his holy eminence himself.

She poured herself a full glass from an open bottle and gently shut the door and closed the curtains. With one hand, she grabbed the rail and pulled herself to a standing position, careful not to spill a drop of Holy City on the white bedroom carpet. It was time to make her rounds.

 On the roof deck, the clear night sky sparkled with tiny lights. Hope adjusted the lens on the telescope and removed a digital voice recorder from the pocket of her sweater. She placed it next to the chalice on a wrought iron table painted sun flower yellow. A black leather diary bearing a silver lock emerged from her other pocket. She opened it using a key hanging from her neck and began reviewing her notes.

 CAV Campaign to rid the town of the evil presence of Maddy Harper and her house of hell, The Double Buzz.

Allegations

1. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for communist/anti-George W. Bush activism. Example: Political Debate Night, 2 for 1 special on Tuesdays.

2. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for radical religious debates. Example: World Religion Exploration, 2 for 1 special on Sundays.

 3. Proprietor may have ties to WICA. Example: “Witch’s Brew” beer label. Note: Proprietor may be closet lesbian as well. Wears t-shirts with the following expressions: Not Interested, Don’t Even Think About It, and Exempt From Men.

 4. The atmosphere at the Double Buzz encourages promiscuity. Examples: a) Karaoke night on Thirsty Thursdays, Buy 2 get 1 free and; b) “Hell Yeah You Can Dance!” on Friday Nights. Free beer with $5 cover.

 Hope pursed her lips and smoothed the back of her bun. That woman and her establishment were sullying the town of Redemption. As the President of Citizens Against Vice(CAV), it was her job to collect evidence substantiating every allegation. According to Bernard, getting rid of Maddy Harper and her reprehensible establishment would position Hope as the town’s savior. He said such heroic actions might even warrant a statue in the town’s square.

Her sister would have a fit. She’d have to stop the naughty hand gestures then. Flipping off the town’s savior would look unseemly.

Success would place Bernard at her feet. Eternally grateful, a two, maybe three carat diamond in hand, he would at last propose. She’d already bought a white peignoir and matching dressing gown for their honeymoon in Rome. Perhaps she should petition for an audience with his Holiness? Father Thomas would surely write a letter of recommendation.

Hope took a sip of wine and turned the telescope five degrees to the left. She pressed the record button on the recorder and peered through the lens.

“Oh my word.” The recorder dropped from her hands.

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