Long suffering football widows, this one’s for you!

Need a good laugh right about now? Want to read a story that makes fun of football-crazed men?

On Superbowl weekend,  the e-book version of To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy will be available for a mere 99 cents.

Click on http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/22207  to download. Kindle, Sony e-reader, ipad,  and PDF versions available. If you want to read chapter one, it’s available for free on my site. See…wait for it… Chapter One.

Why the smoking hot deal?

I’m celebrating…Women who live with men who live for football.

I’m celebrating…Women who enjoy a crazy parody.

I’m celebrating…The 99 cent deal. I’d like to think this deal beats the pants off an item from the fast food value menu every time! Lasts longer and no calories!

Pass the news on to women who share your same status-football widow. They might need a laugh right about now. It’s been a LONG season.

BTW, Superbowl Sunday is in two short weeks.

Prepare yourself.

Tip#2 Create Your Next Book Scene in Front of the Mirror

Remember when you were a teenager and EVERYTHING was a drama? Even if something wasn’t, you’d find a way to make it so. Why? Because a dramatic life is much more exciting, more stimulating, than a chill life.

Chill is well, dull.  Chill does not make a good story.

Drama makes a good story. Drama evokes emotion and emotion connects us to the characters–their triumphs and their heartaches.

Remember when…you’d rehearse a scene you planned on creating, say with your boyfriend, in front of the mirror? You’d practice your lines. Anticipate answers and reactions. Use different voices. Study your face for expression. Practice the “right” tone in your voice. You’d run through the scene a couple times trying different approaches, looking for those perfect lines to obtain your specific goal whether it be a civilized break-up or an invite to the prom.

Verbally fleshing out a book scene in front of a mirror forces you to hear your characters as they react to obstacles and as they interact with one another. This exercise can reveal inconsistencies in dialogue and plot. It can answer questions like does he or she sound realistic? Are their answers boring? Is the scene complete?

Most importantly, it can answer one of the VIP questions. Does this scene move your story forward?

If you are not asking and answering this question after every scene you write, you should be.

And if you ask the question and the answer is no…

Well I say… yawn.

I thought about creating a writer’s new year resolution list.  I know…you just snickered.

I thought about saying things like, “Stop whining, stop procrastinating, sit down in front of your computer and WRITE!!” Yeah, you want to slap me.

But how many times have we heard this kind of DUH advice? Picture me rolling my eyes like a teenager.

I don’t want to be that person, instead,  I’m going be the person who gives you unusual, UNWRITING like advice on how to revitalize your writing in 2012.  Picture me winking while giving the thumbs up.

TIP #1 Bathroom Time: Don’t Just Sit There, Write!

Tip # 1 is for writers who are short on time. Imagine your characters talking and walking and interacting while you are sitting on the pot. That’s right, create the next scene in your book AND take care of business. What else do you have to do but stare at the hard water deposits on your shower door?

I got this brilliant idea from my youngest child who never goes in empty-handed. Her accomplishments include: memorizing song lyrics, changing doll outfits, and the reading of hundreds of books. Heck, she bought a lap version of the BOP IT game with her own money so she could practice in the bathroom. She did this even though she already owned a regular sized one! This child hates to waste time.

I believe bathroom time is the most under-utilized opportunity for adding precious writing time to your crazed life.  Say you’re not the lingering type, you keep things to a minimum–20 minutes tops.

Think of how 20 minutes every single day (hopefully) will add up!  That’s as much as 140 minutes a week! With bathroom time, you can create the scene in your head or you can bring in paper and pen or even a tablet to capture your scene.

Bathroom Time could be the answer to the ”where will I find the time to write” prayer.

Tip #2, coming up shortly.

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Grinch Thwarted Again
In her house she is the indisputable Grinch. She is the one who tries to keep the household on a budget, the one who tries to prevent four female children (who consider shopping a major hobby) from becoming spoiled rotten. Tightwad, Queen of Thrift, Meanie Mommy, and The Wicked Step-Monster are some of her other alias.
As The Grinch, her most common phrases include no, NO, I don’t think so (said with pronounced sarcasm), you have ten of those already, starving children in Africa would love to have just one of your ___, we are not made of money, that costs a lot of money, use your own money, use your imagination and pretend you have one, you don’t use the one you already have, shopping is not a hobby, go to your room if you are going to pout, and other heartless lines. In response, the children weep, beg, offer bribes, and throw tantrums. But The Grinch, determined to win the battle against gross materialism and credit card debt, shows no mercy.
Click continue to download the full story.

Three Wise Women would have . . .

asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts, and there would be Peace On Earth.

Girls Rule.

1.  The summer hit “Bridesmaids” celebrates raunchy chick comedy. Chicks like raunchy!  Nothing wrong with a little crude and rude humor in the appropriate setting.

 2. Chicks are SO sick of raunchy guy comedies . . .  Old School, The Wedding Crashers, Hangover, etc., etc., infinity and beyond.

3. Chick comedies feature hot guys. FINALLY!  Well, why not? Who says we can’t admire male beauty just like men admire female beauty.

4. Chicks like to bond over the timeless chick themes found in chick comedies.  Bad bridesmaid dresses, hot guys who are dumb, true love, stuck-up girls always getting everything they want.

5. Chicks usually go on chick outings before or after a chick comedy. Chicks like two back-to-back events. Dinner and a movie. Drinks and a movie. A manicure and a movie.

6. In chick comedies, chicks are in leading roles. They are NEVER just eye-candy. They have brains, and purpose, and sure they may be attractive, but they are never stupid . . .  and yeah they might make mistakes . . . but they’re not BRAINLESS woman waiting for a man to take care of them.

7. Chicks like to go to the chick comedies and eat a large BUCKET of popcorn instead of a meal. (Ok, this chick likes to do that)

8. Chicks like to bring their husbands and or boyfriends to chick comedies and laugh obnoxiously, whistle at the hot guys, and do all the things they’ve been forced to endure at guy comedies. Call it payback.

9. Chicks are glad there is something more out there than the  sappy, bring your hankie chick flick.

10. Chicks rule. So should their movies!

“It’s the best time of year,” one burly ex football dude proclaimed at my daughter’s soccer practice. I thought I saw a tiny tear of happiness roll down his cheek.

I found a few statistics. 40 million men watch football every week. On average, fans watch ten hours of football a week.

Football sells recliners and big screen TVS. Satellite TV and Digital Recorders. Chips and Beers. Clothing. Headgear including fake yellow braids and big pieces of plastic cheese. Face paint. And beer. Footballs. Coolers. And beer.

In my house, we have all of this and more. We even have a cookbook featuring recipes by football players.

Every September, no make that August (I forgot about preseason), I ask myself the question. And I ask it again every time I hear the Monday Night Football song.

Terri, are you ready for some football?

My answers.
Do I have a choice?
In small quantities.
If all my chores are done.
If the score is close.
If there’s a cute quarterback.
If my husband whipped up something tasty out of that football cookbook.
If I can sit in his recliner and HE brings me a beer.

Then yeah, bring it on baby!

I couldn’t write straight if I tried. The smartypants in me comes through every time. So writing became a lot easier once I stopped trying to write straight and embraced the motto, I is what I is. . . a little twisted, often inappropriate, and seldom serious. Read on for a sneak peek at my next novel, MADDY AND THE DOUBLE BUZZ.

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.” Hope Tooley folded her hands and bowed her head. She shifted her weight to relieve the pressure on her knees and made a mental note to replace the red velvet padding on the bench. Monty used to do it every couple of years. She’d have to hire someone this time around. 

She raised her eyes to the ornate gold crucifix positioned over the small altar. An image of her husband lounging on a couch surrounded by young women dressed in I dream of Jeannie get-ups flashed in her mind. “Hope you’re enjoying yourself up there, buster.” Of course God wouldn’t allow that type of hedonism in heaven, but then again, Monty had a way of getting what he wanted. No matter, Monty was God’s problem now.

Hope leaned forward and parted a set of black curtains hanging from the bottom of the altar. A brown mini-fridge sat tucked under a single shelf. She grabbed a silver chalice from the alter and opened the fridge door. Eight bottles of Holy City Chianti chilled inside. A case shipped to the house once a month. The wine came from an Italian vineyard purportedly blessed by his holy eminence himself.

She poured herself a full glass from an open bottle and gently shut the door and closed the curtains. With one hand, she grabbed the rail and pulled herself to a standing position, careful not to spill a drop of Holy City on the white bedroom carpet. It was time to make her rounds.

 On the roof deck, the clear night sky sparkled with tiny lights. Hope adjusted the lens on the telescope and removed a digital voice recorder from the pocket of her sweater. She placed it next to the chalice on a wrought iron table painted sun flower yellow. A black leather diary bearing a silver lock emerged from her other pocket. She opened it using a key hanging from her neck and began reviewing her notes.

 CAV Campaign to rid the town of the evil presence of Maddy Harper and her house of hell, The Double Buzz.

Allegations

1. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for communist/anti-George W. Bush activism. Example: Political Debate Night, 2 for 1 special on Tuesdays.

2. The Double Buzz is a hotbed for radical religious debates. Example: World Religion Exploration, 2 for 1 special on Sundays.

 3. Proprietor may have ties to WICA. Example: “Witch’s Brew” beer label. Note: Proprietor may be closet lesbian as well. Wears t-shirts with the following expressions: Not Interested, Don’t Even Think About It, and Exempt From Men.

 4. The atmosphere at the Double Buzz encourages promiscuity. Examples: a) Karaoke night on Thirsty Thursdays, Buy 2 get 1 free and; b) “Hell Yeah You Can Dance!” on Friday Nights. Free beer with $5 cover.

 Hope pursed her lips and smoothed the back of her bun. That woman and her establishment were sullying the town of Redemption. As the President of Citizens Against Vice(CAV), it was her job to collect evidence substantiating every allegation. According to Bernard, getting rid of Maddy Harper and her reprehensible establishment would position Hope as the town’s savior. He said such heroic actions might even warrant a statue in the town’s square.

Her sister would have a fit. She’d have to stop the naughty hand gestures then. Flipping off the town’s savior would look unseemly.

Success would place Bernard at her feet. Eternally grateful, a two, maybe three carat diamond in hand, he would at last propose. She’d already bought a white peignoir and matching dressing gown for their honeymoon in Rome. Perhaps she should petition for an audience with his Holiness? Father Thomas would surely write a letter of recommendation.

Hope took a sip of wine and turned the telescope five degrees to the left. She pressed the record button on the recorder and peered through the lens.

“Oh my word.” The recorder dropped from her hands.

Bong . . . bong . . . bong . . .

Click the link if you want to hear bonging . . . if not . . . never mind . . . http://youtu.be/3R8CDKd5Ibo

My Summertime Little Ole Humor Writing Contest has begun!

June 20 -Aug 20.  If you DON’T have a stack of funny little stories in your drawer, GET BUSY! You have a measly 2 months to come up with something short and witty.

Click on http://terriweeding.com/little-ole-humor-writin-contest/ for the details.

Remember to follow this process.

1.  Think of a funny idea.

2.   Write a funny short on your funny idea.

3.    Read your funny short to a couple people.

3a.  Did they get it? Did they laugh?

4.   Edit, and read it to two different people.

4a. Did they get it? Did they laugh?

5.  Write final draft and have someone proof it.

5a. Read your funny short to a couple people who are different than the previous four people.

6.   Did they get it? Did they laugh?

7.   Submit your funny short to my contest.

** Note: If no one got it, if no one laughed, don’t submit it. Start the process over!!

Pitches, Hooks, and Loglines, Oh my!

Pitches, Hooks, and Loglines, Oh why! 

Because some people have short attention spans.

Because some people want to be intrigued before they commit.

Because some people don’t have the time to read your book, your synopsis, or even your cover letter.

 What makes a good pitch, hook, and logline?

Verbs and nouns that pack a punch, conflict, humor, drama, and ununsual but relatable plots aka HIGH CONCEPT plots. 

What is a HIGH CONCEPT plot? A story that appeals to a lot of people.

Here are some examples of pitches, hooks, and loglines.

United by a history they cannot discuss, yet starkly alone in their private struggles, father and son confront their demons and one another in a stand-off that will change them both forever. Poles Apart by Audrey RL Wyatt

Long-suffering sports widow is repeatedly thwarted in her unconventional attempts to murder the armchair jock husband she may still love. To Kill An Armchair Husband, a dark comedy by me, Terri Weeding

And . . . here’s my new favorite logline.  A rancher tries to stop king-sized, hopped-up carnivorous rabbits as they roar through Arizona.  Night of Lepus, movie  

 Notice the use of strong adjectives like king-sized and hopped-up. And ”roared”, well, can’t get much more powerful than that for a verb.

As for an unusual but relatable plotline . . . 

I live in Arizona so I can testify to the existence of giant-sized, hopped-up, carnivorous bunnies.