Terri Weeding

PENIS GOURDS are cone-shaped gourds worn over the penis. A PENIS GOURD is somewhat like a jock strap, meaning its purpose is to provide protection. It also serves as a place to store items like loose change, twine, or cigarette papers (true statement). There is no sexual purpose to a PENIS GOURD. None. Sorry to disappoint some of you.

Men in the highlands of Papua New Guinea (an island north of Australia) ocassionally wear these contraptions around the village. Sometimes that’s all they wear. Those who possess a bolder fashion sense wear a PENIS GOURD with a pair of pants, zipper down.

How do I know so much about this facinating subject? I did a two year stint as a Peace Corps Volunteer there. I saw lots of PENIS GOURDS strutting around the marketplace. And I was a dealer. Yep, I bought and sold PENIS GOURDS in quantity. PENIS GOURDS were hot sellers at tourist and export shops in the big city.

PENIS GOURDS. If you are lucky, you might catch a glimpse of one on National Geographic Channel. If you are really lucky, you’ll see it worn with a pair of pants, zipper down.

If the term Penis Gourds has piqued your interest, click on the Short Shorts page and read my story ”Writing For Penis Gourds”!

I’m reading a book by the comedian/actor/producer Denis Leary. It’s called, WHY WE SUCK.

I find it extremely funny and outrageous and yes, it’s very crude, but that’s okay. I like crude.

Mr. Leary is from the East Coast. From personal experience, I know those dudes always tell it like they see it.

Crude gets a bad rap. Which is ridiculous.

Look at these synonyms for crude.
Natural
Green
Homemade

Now look at these antonyms for crude.
Formal
Refined
Stilted

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be in the first category. And yeah, I hand-picked the adjectives that supported my stance, but that’s my right. It’s my blog.

With crude, there’s no need to read between the lines. No need to worry about offending . . . ’cause most likely you will, and in fact, you want to.

Sure tact is nicer. But lets face it, tact requires thought. And discernment. And usually a little white lie. Or a really big white lie. And of course empathy. Frankly, being tactful is a lot of work.

Crude is much easier. It kicks you in the face and the butt at the same time.

And that’s why I laugh.

Crude Alert! Just read an interview with Drew Barrymore in Elle magazine. She describes her forthcoming movie, Going The Distance, as ” a romantic comedy with the raunchy dialogue of a Judd Apatow movie.” I’m so gonna love it!

Sing to the tune of who’s afraid of the big, bad wolf.

Who’s afraid of the big, black dog… the big, black dog … the big black dog….?

Ah … nobody. Dudes! I’m a lover not a fighter. I love giving love and I love receiving love.

In that spirit, here are five surefire tips for maximizing the love in your life:

1. Keep the talking to a minimum. Barking for no reason other than a fondness for the sound of my own voice, or because I can, or because I’m bored, doesn’t bring the love. So unless it’s important, I keep the barks down to one or two a week. Sure, I’ll produce a quickie if someone waves a biscuit under my nose, but hey, a biscuit is food. And food equals love. Right?

2. Cultivate the sad whine not the annoying persistent whine. Here’s what I do. Walk across a room occupied by people, stop, let out one soft whine, follow it with a long sigh, and then continue to the other side of the room. People WILL hurry after you and ask what’s wrong. People WILL pet you. People MIGHT give you another biscuit. If you whine continuously you WILL get LESS love not more.

3. Be the rug, don’t eat it. My fur is way silkier and softer than a rug. I have found if I position myself directly under people’s feet I get foot rubs that last a long time. This easy tip really racks up the love hours whereas chewing the rug does not.

4. Embrace your creative side. If my owners wanted to, they could dress me in a bonnet and nightgown, throw some granny specs on my nose, and pop me under the bed sheets. With my handsome head and toothy smile, I’m a shoe-in for the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. Good performance, bad performance, it doesn’t really matter for I’ll receive mucho love for my acting efforts.

5. Every dog is a lapdog. I weigh in at 100 lbs. No matter. I allow my owner to pick me up and with a not inconsiderable effort place me upright on his lap. It’s pure heaven. I get to kiss his face. I get to put my head on his shoulder. He scratches my belly. I play guitar. Sure, being held upright IS a little uncomfortable but the love benefits are unbelievable.

Take it from this love expert, if you follow my top five tips you WILL maximize the love in your canine life. Heck, most of these tips work well for humans too!

Sincerely,
Elvis, the dog (Slurp! I just licked your face!)

Not to worry! I'll take care of your problems!

Wonder Woman, attached to my daily planner. Her super powers come in handy!

boost your memory.

I promise I’m not messing with you.

I read this amazing tip in Prevention Magazine. September Issue 2009.

Here are the instructions. Block your right nostril, but if you use a finger to do this, don’t insert it up the nose. Otherwise, you’ll look and sound like a creepy nose-picker. (The last bit is my own advice)

Now, breathe 27 times in and out through the left nostril. You can do this a couple times a day as needed, but no more than four times a day. Don’t ask me why there’s a limit.

Then Voila! You’ll instantly remember that which has eluded you.

However,if you try this memory activating exercise, your kid might say, “Mom, are you like having a heart attack? Do you need a paper bag or something?”

If this happens, drop your finger immediately and cease the single nostril yoga breathing so that you can reassure your frightened child. “Why no, honey. Mom’s just trying to remember where she parked the car.”

Your child might respond like this. “Ah, Mom. Please don’t ever do that in front of me or anyone else again. Okay?”

But at that precise moment,your memory kicks in and you remember where you parked the car. And you vow to practice it four times a day, every single day. Because you need the memory boost. You need it real bad. So you shake your head in regret and say, “Sorry. I can’t make that promise.”

Your child sighs. Her shoulders droop.

And you can’t wait to read the next issue of Prevention magazine.

Let’s start with the “duh”. Laughter is good for you. The doctors say so. The shrinks say so. I say so.

Five things laughter does for you
1.Lowers the risk of heart disease.
2.Increases your happiness level.
3.Tightens your stomach muscles.
4.You look nicer.
5.You feel nicer.

The movie, “Hangover,” made a pile of dough last summer. For one BIG, no brainer reason. It was hysterical!!

I laughed so hard I cried. I laughed so loudly my husband had to hush me multiple times. Afterward, my stomach ached but in a good way. I felt exhilirated and relaxed at the same time! As an adult, how often does that happen anymore?

I’m a multi-tasking, super-responsible woman with a husband and children, so I seek out every opportunity to bust a gut. Comedy clubs. Funny movies and tv shows. YouTube videos. Books. My children. Cartoon strips. Myself. Jokes. My husband. The dog. The cat. The list is endless.

Levity enriches life. It makes it bearable. It makes it fun.

I say laugh more and live better!

I got a new look going on.  Well, I’m a work in progress, but who isn’t? My home page features my blog now. Yep, it will be in your face every time you hit my site. I’ll be showing videos of moi talking about VIP things like humor, books (paper and e), and other stuff I haven’t thought up yet.   Expect more pictures. More videos of interesting topics Like CORVETTE BARBIE!!   Expect more interaction.  I want your comments. I want your words. Poems, jokes, quotes, excerpts, funny little tidbits, and so on. I truly believe laughter will SAVE US ALL from a stress implosion. It should tighten our abs as well.

Food.
The whole gang.
I now know I can have a happy, healthy relationship with EVERBODY.
Cause it’s okay to be friends with a little creamy, buttery, warm, and soft, silky smooth, etc., etc.
We just can’t hang out ALL the time.
ONE cookie is great.
Man, I nibble at that ONE cookie with a great big smile on my face.
Then I say, “later dudes,” and walk away.
The best part is…
I’m still losing a couple pounds a week.
I’m no longer mad.
I’m no longer sad.
And my sense of humor has returned.
Hallelujah!
I’m back!

not my marriage, silly people! Husband is good. He’s alive and, no, I told you before, the book is not about him.
I’m talking about the break-up of my relationship with all my favorite foods. You see, I’ve been indulging in dozens of affairs with, well everything creamy and rich, and salty, and savory, and soft and warm, and buttery, and sweet, and …
Oh,mamma! It hurts too much to talk about them!
You see I’ve made a choice to relinquish my darlings for an uptight, hard-ass, humorless, buzz-wrecking, DIET.
This DIET is supposed to CLEAN out all the crapola in my system and make me skinnier.
Problem is I love crapola and I know, I KNOW it loves me back.
“I can’t live, if living is without you.” This song plays in my head continously. Imagine me singing it softly while swaying back and forth.
Well, of course I can live, but life has lost its luster.
I feel despondent without my good-time friends.
I have crazy dreams about food. Last night I dreamed somebody stole my breadsticks (I suspect these hard little rods may not actually qualify as food) and left me with Melba Toast which I can’t for the life of me choke down.
Am I destined to become thin but sad?
Will I no longer be able to write humor?
The answer to these questions and more … next week.

So you want people to think you’re funny.

You want evidence in the form of a physical reaction to verify that YOU ARE SIMPLY HYSTERICAL.

A snort, a roar, a chuckle, a giggle, a guffah, a shriek, a snicker, a convulse, a cackle, a chortle, a whoop, even a LOL text will confirm for you that indeed, you are the King or Queen of making people laugh.

I say to you aspiring humor writers, Delivery is key.

Delivery is as important as the hilarious lines you had difficulty typing because you were cracking yourself up so bad you could barely see the page.

Delivery is the catapult, the mechnism that launches those hilarious lines straight at someone’s funny bone. Without it, your humor just sits there. Harmless. Impotent. Inactive. NOT FUNNY.

Ponder this revelation.

Then return to learn how to build a catapult to launch your nuggets of humor and obtain everlasting glory.